Comments on the Wizard of Chiron

[Raging Mouse]

Although I have posted a dood deal (I think) of SMAX-fiction, I have never before written a story of my own. This one should feel a lot like the Wizard of Oz, and I hope you don't mind.

[Alinestra Covelia]

Cool story! I especially like the mix of childish innocence with all-too-adult scientific menace!

However, the first chapter is written entirely in the present tense - if nothing else, it makes it very immediate and abrupt (which did the beginning a lot of good). I trust you're not going to maintain this immediate and taut method of storytelling throughout the entire story? That would be rather exhausting for a reader...

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"In all creation, there can be no task more onerous or tedious than that of playing God." - Stephen Fry, 'The Liar'.

[edgecrusher]

very good... neeed more....
<font size=1 face=Arial color=444444>[This message has been edited by edgecrusher (edited March 10, 2000).]</font>

[Calin]

Good beginning, good job of drawing the reader in. As Alinestra said, though, you may want to consider changing tenses...not only is it exhausting for the reader, it makes YOUR job harder.

Aside from that, can't wait to read the next. Good job!
<font size=1 face=Arial color=444444>[This message has been edited by Calin (edited March 10, 2000).]</font>

[President Jakjon]

Your story explores a side of the University that has never been explored previously- family life. Children are to be nurtured to be researchers, but also used as guinea pigs; right? I feel that this is very in tune with the general vibration of the University, so keep writing! (And change the tense.)

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[Raging Mouse]

Allright, tense will be changed as of part two (i.e. now), but I might return to present tense sometimes for effect. Enjoy.

[Vi Vicdi]

Great story, and <EM>I</EM>, for one, think your tenses are well-chosen.

(Keith Laumer's use of the present tense was downright eerie: "I come to awareness ...")

[Alinestra Covelia]

Hey... this story reminds me of a book I read when I was about 12. If only I could remember the title http://apolyton.net/forums/frown.gif

First chapter described the state of mind of a girl (named Eva, if I am correct) who had survived a massive car crash and who was recuperating. She's in a hospital and her parents come to visit often, but one thing that is suspiciously absent is a mirror of any sort.

By the second chapter, the girl has become suspicious and asks her mother (by typing into a keyboard) to let her look at herself. Her mother starts to cry and refuses to initially, but eventually does so. The girl looks in the mirror and sees her hospital bed, with a nightmarish array of tubes and wires, and in the middle is a fearful-looking chimpanzee's face, staring back at her in the looking glass.

Anybody else know the story I'm talking about?

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"In all creation, there can be no task more onerous or tedious than that of playing God." - Stephen Fry, 'The Liar'.

[President Jakjon]

The second chapter was terrific! The subject matter, the tense, and overall style produced a smooth and enjoyable writing experience. As always, keep writing.

I once knew a guy in middle school who could beat anyone in 9 moves or less. He had the best record in chess club, and he beat me once or twice. People would try to come up with methods of countering him, but he always would alter his tactics ever so slightly, and win. Then I realized the way to beat him: random moves. He could only win against one who planned, who was logical. So I did not plan, and my moves were, individually, illogical. He resigned after 15 turns and never showed up again.

So, that's my "little kid beaten in 9 moves" chess story. Speaking of stories, chapter five of mine is up.

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[edgecrusher]

very good... keep up tha good work.

[Raging Mouse]

That's part three posted. A note of warning to you readers; this story will be a long one. But a kind of conclusion to the first part of the story will come in part four. That part will again be in present tense, and it will be a long one. Look out for it in about two days.

[Pericles]

Intriguing. I am certainly interested. Please continue.

Oh, and don't be afraid of the present tense. It lends an immediacy that can make your writing intense (Excuse the horrible pun).

[President Jakjon]

[Finishing eating the praise.] It's cute, in a ten-year-old-converses-with-a-sentient
-war-machine type of way. I dug the cliff-hanger ending. It shows a sense of professionalism.

I'm not afraid of my pits smelling, either! However, no one appreciates it, even me.

Believe me, your story is rather speedy compared to mine. Chapters 1-6 all take place within about 36 hours of each other.

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[Raging Mouse]

I've got part four ready, so why wait? Posting...

[Raging Mouse]

Ok, part five is up and I am taking my first shaky steps in using UBB-code. Hope you're all getting it right..

Also, I apologise to all for being such a lousy copy-cat, but I'd be honoured if some of you would let me use your usernames in the story.

Note: I'd also like to take into account which faction you'd like to belong to, so mentioning what faction (or factions) you like the most is appreciated.

[Jasonian]

No shame in that. It adds more fun to the story if you use other names.

Jasonian is a drone at heart. We would make a good supervisor, in either the Free Drones faction or the drone population of another faction.

[Captain Kirk]

I think I want to be a Believer. That is if you don't mind.

[Raging Mouse]

I don't mind at all. As I said, I'll take your wishes into account. Only if one faction becomes very popular while others have none I might choose another faction for you.

[Bearcat]

Great story. Keep up the good work. You have great detail in the realtion of the MMI. Most people don't go in to such detail. I think I'd be a Cyborg.

[Raging Mouse]

Any specific Greek letter/modern number you´d prefer, Bearcat?

[EternalSpark]

I dunno what you could do with my name but I would like to be in the story, somewhere... maybe I can be... hell, I dunno, its your story.. http://apolyton.net/forums/smile.gif

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Eternal Spark
As you command, Megatron...

[Bearcat]

Hmm how about Omega-7?

[OldCodger]

I like your story line real well. I've never really thought of the Cybernetic Conciousness as "sinister", but your portrayal of them thus far is definitely unsettling to me.

Feel free to use my handle in your story line if you wish. The Gaians and Spartans tend to be my two favorite factions (rather odd combination isn't it?).

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Old age and treachery: the perfect cure for youth and ambition...

[korn469]

great story! i love every single line, so keep on writing

korn469

[Raging Mouse]

That's chapter fourteen up! I want to thank all of you for the positive feedback. Know that there's much more yet to come. In fact, I can't see where the story will end...

Chapters will probably be posted at the rate of one per day for some time now. Hope you'll be able to keep up.
<font size=1 face=Arial color=444444>[This message has been edited by Raging Mouse (edited March 30, 2000).]</font>

[Vi Vicdi]

Great story! Keep up the good work!

[edgecrusher]

wow... very nice. i'm literally on the edge of my seat. it put a sparkle into an otherwise shitty day so far.

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follow close, the train of fools
just like them, (could be) just like you
-their eyes don't seem right.

[OldCodger]

Your story is coming along really well. I have to admit that I'm passing through this forum once or twice per day to see if anything new is up.

I really like your portrayal of your characters. They have, well, "character". Even though some your characters overlap with those in other story lines, i.e., the various faction leaders, your portrayal of them is unique, consistent, and very valid.

All this and you say you don't know where this story is going yet? I'm looking forward to continuing this ride with you.

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Old age and treachery: the perfect cure for youth and ambition...

[Jasonian]

Ahh... I've come back to life!

[Raging Mouse]

Indeed you have. I'm afraid you won't be appearing for some time now, but you (and Bearcat) can look forward to appearing again; Bearcat in chapter 28 and you in chapter 30-ish.. I know, because I'm busy writing it.

But until then, stay tuned.

[Bearcat]

The story is coming along great. You really have authorial talent. I can't wait to see Bearcat Omega-7 http://apolyton.net/forums/smile.gif Don't take this to hard but aren't all Morganites supposed to be rich. I know that totally isn't the truth with real life capitalism though.

[Vi Vicdi]

Methis has some competition. Cool. "Good robot / bad robot". Very Asimov.

I think "Lore" from Star Trek was actually pursuing the same agenda: rid the Borg of their "inferior" biological components, making them over into his image.

[Ari Rahikkala]

Great story... I just have to catch up a little(I just found this story). I don't know Wizard of Oz, so the story is fully a surprise for me http://apolyton.net/forums/wink.gif. But Mouse, I just have to say that you know English better than any other Finn I know(Well, maybe not mentioning my English teacher).

*** ADVERTISEMENT! WARNING! ADVERTISIMENT! ***

Today, you see as a new thread starts here! Called "Literature of Centauri". There's small stories or essays on faction philosophies, all under names found from the datalinks. More when I post the first part.

[Raging Mouse]

Sorry about the break in posting, people! I've been having some serious technical problems. Anyway...

[Hunkpapa]

Enjoyed the story.

[Vi Vicdi]

I was a bit put off by the "rock 'n' roll probe team" -- I mean, the Russians <EM>tried</EM> it, with their bobsled team, and it was a joke. As certain Mafia bosses have learned, fame cripples when ones work requires anonymity.

However, it's <EM>still</EM> a great story. Two sentient algorithms warring over a young girl who (the reader gets the feeling) has the potential of overshadowing them both some day. Cool.

Is she merely a walking treasure trove of scientific data, waiting for someone to exploit, or is she on the verge of near-godhood in her own right? Will it be <EM>she</EM> who rescues her father? How will that affect their father / daughter relationship? Wow, heavy stuff for a 9-year-old!

Consider this: the teenager's brain is far more powerful than the pre-teen's. Actual physiological changes in the brain itself trigger a massive increase in computational speed and power. This sets the teenager inexorably on the glidepath to knowing <EM>everything</EM>, which occurs around age 16. (By around 26 the euphoria of knowing everything gives way to a newfound respect for one's parents.)

Dorothy, meanwhile, has experienced a massive increase in computational power. Since she's still 9 she's obviously not interested in boys or social status or any of the other things older girls are interested in ... so what, then? What are a 9-year-old girl's instincts, amplified by the power to plan and execute on an adolescent level (and beyond), going to make of her?

Ever see a child prodigy on one of those late-night shows? They can think circles around the host, but the slightest off-color remark, the slightest innuendo, the slightest injection of social nuance, totally destroys the illusion. Invariably such subtlety goes right over the kid's head.

Child-actors, on the other hand, who couldn't factor a polynomial, phase right in to the conversation, and invariably know just the right level of social appropriateness for their age, even as they understand every more-adult reference the host might throw their way (not just innuendo, but topics like money, career, midlife crisis, lots of grownup stuff).

Dorothy is experiencing an increase in her mental capability that isn't supposed to happen until later. She <EM>is</EM> a prodigy, and has led a sheltered life, but she is in the company of people who are perhaps the most-skilled at social manipulation: spies. I am anxious to see how this cocktail you've mixed together turns out!

[Ari Rahikkala]

<center><table width=80%><tr><td><font color=000080 face="Verdana" size=2><font size="1">quote:
<img src="/images/blue1.gif" width=100% height=1>
</font><font size=1>Originally posted by Vi Vicdi on 04-25-2000 12:08 AM</font>
I was a bit put off by the "rock 'n' roll probe team" -- I mean, the Russians <EM>tried</EM> it,
<img src="/images/blue1.gif" width=100% height=1></font></td></tr></table></center>

[Off-topic] Somehow, the Leningrad cowboys just sprang into my mind...

But really, it's quite a complicated problem you have there. Methis tells Dorothy what to do and CC tries to get Dorothy? I'm waiting for the next episode.

[edgecrusher]

oh, sure... spark an jasonian get mentions... what about the rest of us?

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i've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we
have chose

[Raging Mouse]

Not much more to wait now, edgecrusher! You'll be along. Very shortly.

Of course, To all of you, do realize it'll take a while to get you all included. But I'm still open for names. There'll be more than a need for them.

[Famyn]

Must... have... more... Wizard of Chiron...

You can use my name if you want. Don't know what for... although I'm somewhat partial towards... Usurpers...

[Raging Mouse]

I will try and fit you in there, Famyn..


As for the second thread, well... the first one was some 400 K's large, and I was getting impatient waiting for it to load..

[edgecrusher]

will the edgecrusher be a hero, or villain?

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i've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flows down the path we
have chose

[Raging Mouse]

Something in between those... http://apolyton.net/forums/wink.gif

[Vi Vicdi]

Wow, another fine chapter. Excellent work!

I got a great laugh out of your portrayal of the Cybernetic soldiers being logically convinced to switch sides. The mental image had me in stitches.

[edgecrusher]

very nice... i hope there'll be more of me to come...

[OldCodger]

I see that the Old Codger has finally made the Grand Entrance into the story. I have to admit that was kind of cool to see and brought on all kinds of delusions of grandeur.

Is the Old Codger a hero or a weasel? Does he have an Appalachian accent? Can an Academy Award Nomination for best supporting actor be far behind? Or at least an appearance on "Celebrity Deathmatch"? http://apolyton.net/forums/smile.gif

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Old age and treachery: the perfect cure for youth and ambition...

[Raging Mouse]

Being married to greatness IS grand.

Old Codger is scheduled to appear on Celebrity Deathmatch fighting against Woody Allen.

I'm afraid the nomination is 'best foreign supporting actor'.

[Ari Rahikkala]

Oh, and one thing I would rather not to have the non-Finns see:

Anteeksi jos tunsit että englanninkielen taitosi ovat luonnollisesti tuota tasoa. Et kylläkään sanonut siitä mitään, mutta minulla on tapana tehdä aina typeriä virheitä puhuessani ja sitten myöhemmin korjata niitä. Niin, erinomainen tarina. Peukut pystyyn ja parempi kirjoittaa uusia osia ja äkkiä!